We have sex once a week," one of my married patients told me.
"Is that normal?"
She said that she was worried
because she had heard a few friends talking about their sex lives, boasting
about having sex every day, and even several times a night!
When it comes to sex, we all
suffer from a bit of insecurity. We tend to compare ourselves to what we hear
from friends, see on TV, or read in books and magazines.
This may sometimes help to make
us feel good about ourselves, but it can also backfire and make us feel
inadequate, just like the patient I described above!
With "Am I sexually
normal?" and "Is something wrong with me or my partner?" being
some of the most common questions asked by women, I thought I would address
some of these issues in this article.
Is there such a thing as 'normal'?
There is no simple way for me to
answer my patient's question because there is no textbook definition of
"normal" sexuality or sex life.
Although sexual intercourse is
almost like a mechanical process, consisting of several phases - desire,
arousal, vaginal lubrication and orgasm - it is more than just the sum of its
parts.
The psychological, emotional and
social aspects of sex also contribute a great deal to making the experience
complete.
That is why it is impossible to
"score" sexual performance on a scale, because it is not just about
making all the right moves, but also whether you and your partner are in the
right mental and emotional state.
One person's "normal"
will also be different from another person's. Some people experience higher sex
drive than others, while some women rate their orgasms differently.
Even if you only orgasm once in a
while, you may still find the entire experience of sex to be satisfying because
your partner makes you feel good in other ways.
Therefore, there is actually no
standard for "normal" when it comes to sex. You just have to ask
yourself what you are happy and satisfied with.
Top sex questions
These are some of the most common
sex-related questions and concerns that women have.
There may be no standard
definition of what is normal, but you may find that many other women have
similar experiences to yours, so you are not alone!
I find it hard to orgasm
So do many women! It is believed
that most women only orgasm one out of every two sessions of intercourse.
Many factors influence your
ability to orgasm, including your level of stress and tiredness, hormones and
medications that you may be taking.
Often, you can predict at some
point during intercourse whether you will be able to orgasm or not.
If you think that it is not going
to happen, you should not force yourself to "feel" something as you
will spoil your enjoyment of the experience.
I only orgasm when the clitoris is stimulated
Again, this is a true story for
many women. The clitoris is one of the most sensitive erogenous zones in women,
and many have orgasms that begin there.
Some orgasms can also begin with
the breasts, vagina or other erogenous zones.
Even though the orgasm starts in
the clitoris, it also involves contractions of the vaginal and genital muscles.
So do not worry, there is nothing
wrong with having an orgasm that is triggered by stimulation of different areas.
I only orgasm in one position
You think that you want to be
adventurous, but at the end of the day, you can only orgasm in your favourite
position.
Well, you should not be
frustrated, but instead be pleased that you have found what works for you.
It could be that your favourite
position helps to stimulate your G-spot, the most sensitive area in your
vagina.
Some women need to have their
legs tightly squeezed together, others need their legs wide apart, and yet
others may need to have certain parts of their bodies touching their partner's.
Experiment and find what position
fits you best.
I orgasm more quickly when I masturbate
Many women will be too shy to
admit this, even though it logically makes perfect sense. This is because women
know their own bodies better.
You can have the same effect
during intercourse too, but you will have to explain to your partner how you
like to be touched and where.
Do you need a certain amount of
pressure or speed? Do you want it faster or slower?
Encourage your partner to listen
and respond to your cues, and he will soon learn to please you.
I'm not turned on when he is
This is something that a lot of
women worry about, because it upsets the harmony of their relationship with
their partners. Men who do not understand this will think that their wives or
girlfriends are rejecting them, or do not desire them anymore.
The truth is, desire goes up and
down for each individual. You cannot expect your desire to be in sync with your
partner's all the time.
Women experience "responsive
desire", meaning that they respond to cues from the other person.
They need to be shown that they
are desired and loved, in order for them to want sex.
This is in contrast to men, who
experience an impulsive attraction to their partners, without requiring someone
else to initiate anything.
Unfortunately, men will just have
to work a little harder to show that they desire and love their partners, in
order to get the same response back!
I need a little tenderness
Women need flowers and sweet
words while men only need sexy visuals? This may be a bit of a stereotype, but
it is partly true.
Tenderness, in the form of
romantic gestures, loving words and a gentle touch, can be a powerful
aphrodisiac for women.
It does not mean that the entire
process of intercourse has to be accompanied by violins and roses, but women
generally need a little wooing in the beginning until their sexual desire
peaks.
I don't make much noise during sex
If you do not shout, scream or
moan during intercourse, does that mean you are not enjoying yourself?
This is a myth, perpetuated by
movies and books, which portray woman (and men) making a lot of noise during
sex, especially when they orgasm.
Life does not have to imitate
art, in this case. While some women may feel more comfortable expressing
themselves verbally during sex, others may prefer to stay silent or to keep
things at a lower volume.
You should do what feels normal
for you, and not follow what you see in movies.
I only need sex every two weeks
This is a big concern for women,
just like the patient I described at the beginning of this article.
Some women do not feel the desire
to have sex very often, while others prefer it as often as possible.
Either way, you cannot force
yourself to do something that you are genuinely not comfortable with.
This can become a problem for
some women whose sexual desires do not match that of their partners.
They may then worry that their
husbands will look for sexual satisfaction outside their marriage!
Expectations are very important
in a relationship. You must be able to communicate with your partner to tell
him how you feel and what you want. It is more meaningful to have a quality sex
life with your partner, than to have sex as often as possible without enjoying it.
What is normal for you
The point of this article is to
assure you that you cannot judge yourself by other people's standards. When you
compare yourself to other women or other couples, you will only become unhappy
because their habits and routines will not be the same as yours.
If you wonder whether your sex
life is normal, ask yourself a few questions:
1. Are you sexually active?
2. If no, does that bother you or
your partner?
3. If yes, then do you or your
partner have a question, problem or concern about your sexual activity?
4. Have there been any changes in
your sex life?
5. Do you have any discomfort or
problems with intercourse?
6. Are you having any
difficulties such as decreased vaginal lubrication, pain with intercourse, or
diminished sexual desire?
If the answer is "yes"
to any of these questions, it is time to start talking to the professionals, ie
your doctor or your gynaecologist. Sometimes, all that well-meaning
"advice" from friends, relatives or books may be more detrimental to
your sexual confidence.
Dr Nor Ashikin Mokhtar
The Star/ANN
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